Assumptions

And why they are dangerous

We all make them…

Every time you meet someone new

Every time you present a new idea

Every time you book a sales conversation

Pretty much every time you have an interaction with another person, you are making assumptions. And here’s why they can get in your way:

• Probably the main reason is that we are barely even conscious of making them. We assume (there’s that word again) that we are just noticing the facts: She doesn’t like me, He doesn’t listen to me, They don’t believe what I am saying…
• Once we make the first assumption, then we actually expect and look for it to appear again and again. And if you know anything about the reticular activating system in the brain then you know that what we anticipate we actually tend to find and see more often: She has never liked me, He never listens to me, They never believe or support what I say. 
• Our brain naturally creates stories and accepts them as reasons for us to believe or act in certain ways. Soon our assumptions can become a story, a part of our history that we accept as the truth: I’m not a very likable person, No one listens to me when I talk so I just keep my ideas to myself, No one ever believes me or thinks I have a good idea. 

I’m not saying that every interaction goes down this path. But I think you can see how our stories about ourselves or what could more accurately be called our perceptions of ourselves are based on our brain trying to make sense of the people and the events around us. And sometimes our brain gets it right… and sometimes it gets it all wrong, but we tend to believe it either way. 

What can we do about the assumptions we make? Here are five things:

• Challenge your brain: Whenever you notice that you are making a statement about someone or some event, ask yourself: Is this true? How do I know it to be true? What evidence do I have? Is it possible that the opposite could be true?
• Talk to the person you are making the assumption about: Okay, I know this is the scary one.  It is so much easier to talk to friends or co-workers who are going to support your perception. Friends who are going to say, “You don’t deserve that. Or what’s the matter with that person!” But the trouble with that, is that you never really know what is going on with the other person and you will create a block in the relationship that will no doubt be an obstacle in your path in some way. 
• Share your feelings and your perceptions in a positive way: This takes some planning but once you learn the technique, you can do it without a lot of forethought. Instead of: Every time I share a new thing that I’m excited about, you make me feel like I’m dumb. You  put me down and don’t even listen to all that I have in mind before you say it won’t ever work.   Instead say: Yesterday when I shared the (plan, new idea, exciting event), I felt (putdown, discouraged, frustrated, etc) because you seem to discount the (idea, plan…) unnecessarily and without hearing all the facts. Was that what you intended? Notice:
  • You take responsibility for your own feelings and don’t give away your power by saying, “You made me feel…”
  • You are specific about one event not something that happens “all the time”. This is what you need to clarify, not a history of interactions where you have been keeping score.
  • Finally, you open the door to the possibility that you misunderstood their response and that they intended a different message.
• Let the person know through your future communication what you need from their response, rather than assuming they should know.  For example: Hey I’ve got a great new plan and I need your support and creative ideas for how to make it work well. 
• Once you have a new perception, act as if: When you create a story or a perception in your brain, your brain believes it is true. This is why false assumptions can be so hard to change, unless you take the time to gather evidence otherwise. When you act as if, your brain changes the story or perception to be congruent with your actions. 

We are never going to stop making assumptions. It is how our brain makes sense of the world. But we can stay in the driver’s seat through challenging ourselves and giving others a chance through positive communication to write a new story.